A Deep, Dark Secret

I was browsing Glamour’s blogs once again when I came upon an interesting one.

It was titled, “The Secret to Great Staycation Sex.”

Don’t ask.

So you’re skipping this year’s romantic getaway and staying home with a good book, an oscillating fan and some Real Housewives reruns. That’s no reason to sacrifice the awesome sex that always seems to go with a tropical vacation. Follow these expert tips to set the mood for a beachlike romp without leaving home.

Uhh… thanks?

I’ll start by saying that sex blogs (like in Glamour or Cosmo) tend to write as if their female readers have nothing better to do than meet hunky men and spend time in bed with them. This summer? This summer I have no romantic getaway. I have no boyfriend. I have to practice piano for my audition into the music program in the fall. I have to write. I HAVE TO WORK DANGIT. Even though I’m at home, I have to WORK.

I have no time to romp in the bedsheets with some random guy. I have no desire to, either. And besides if I even wanted to, where would I find one? The bar has plenty of creepy guys. Plenty if you want them. End up with some sores in VERY convenient places.

What about the weirdo that used to follow me around in church? Guys like those are fair game.

Ok, now that that rant is out of the way, let’s get started with our main feature.

Slide 5 out of 9 tells us to leave chocolate on our own pillows. It’s not a scientifically proven aphrodisiac, granted. But a bedside piece can help the lady get herself and her man in the mood. I have never tried this out, so I don’t know for sure. I do know that chocolate isn’t like a pill that you pop and then all of a sudden want to do stuff. You know.

But coming back from work (uh huh) to find that chocolate waiting for you on your pillow is a “sexy surprise” as they say.

I did read somewhere that chocolate releases feel good chemicals in your brain to make you feel happy. So that might have something to do with this.

However, all that aside, I firmly believe that there’s nothing like a little chocolate to express your love for another. If someday I get married, I’d like him to leave chocolate on my pillow, provided that it isn’t summer. I don’t want it to melt. Besides, I don’t see the point of putting chocolate on my own pillow when I can just take it from the cupboard.

For chocolate, I recommend Dove chocolate. They sell their chocolate wrapped in a piece of foil. When you unwrap the chocolate, you can read the message that’s there on the foil. The message is usually something sweet, like “Sing to the elevator music” or “Dance in the rain.” (Click the picture on the right to see those messages in full size.)

You can also personalize the message for your loved ones, if you wanted to.

The dark chocolate is perfect, too. It has just the right blend of sweetness and bitterness. It’s also silky smooth. I would eat three of the Promises chocolate pieces at one time. Not the healthiest, but still…

I’d want my boyfriend/husband to get me chocolate. It’s a very romantic gesture. Maybe the Glamour people were right about one thing. Chocolate is romantic. Coming home to your husband who has put chocolate on the pillow as a surprise is a wonderful thing.